Parenting for Douchebags
by Cartmanbrah
Summary: The kids we know and love now have their own kids. Lets see how they deal with it?


Chapter 1: The Cartman Household's magical wake up call.

Cartman and Wendy are the most seemingly stubborn human beings on the planet. For instance, if you asked their 10-year-old selves who they would want to date when they got older, their answers would be literally anyone but each other. Yet, their 16-year-old selves would beg to differ as they started going out.

If you asked 16-year old Wendy Testaburger if she would change her surname to her husband's, she would, in her boyfriend's words, "bitch the living crap out of you like the hippie feminist she is". 21-year-old Wendy Cartman, however, seemed happy enough with her new last name as she danced in their wedding.

If you asked 21-year-old Cartman if he wanted children, he'd say "not in this lifetime, dude". Hi 23-year-old self, however, would have different opinions looking in the eyes of Emily Liane Cartman as the little girl cried in the arms of her mother after a long and painful labor. In his own words "My little Emily is the cutest little girl in the universe, respect her authoritah"

They both seemed stubborn, and they were. To everything else but each other. And if there is something both their children inherited from them was that stubbornness. At age 32, Eric and Wendy had everything a married couple could asked for: two healthy children (Emily Liane Cartman,9 and William Darrell Cartman, 6), a good house, a stable financial life and good jobs. And with that, also came every annoyance you could ask for, such as the alarm clock currently ringing in Eric's ears.

"God fucking damn it…" he muttered in a rough voice and proceeded to wake up his wife "Wendeh! Weeeeendeeeeh" He had a good diction now. It kinda reverted to it's old whinny state in two occasions: early in the morning and when he was drunk.

"Five more minutes" Wendy whispered from her near comatose state

"We have jobs, Wendy…" Cartman said "Go make coffee while I wake up the kids…"

"Crap…" and with a long grunt, Wendy got up. She was really cranky in the mornings, but he got used to it. Her kids got used to it too. To make matters worse, last night was Kenny's younger daughter's 2 birthday, so of course everyone stayed in the McCormick house until about 3 in the butfucking morning. Wendy was currently in a mood that her husband kindly named "Satan's intern" for no other reason than the fact that she woke up early.

Wendy then proceeded to make coffee while Eric went into Emily's room to wake her up

"Emily, wake up, time for school" Eric said as he clapped his hands for his daughter to wake up

"hmmmmmmmmmmmm" was her response.

"Common, sweetie, we need to get ready. You gotta go to school"

"But I don't wanna go to skewl…" the similarities between Emily and her father as a kid were uncanny.

"But you have to go to school... I have to go to work… Wake up, sweetie"

"No…" and she drifted herself back to sleep. Cartman figured he'd have a better time waking Billy, so he decided to try it first.

Billy Cartman was the most peaceful 6-year-old parents could wish for. He had his mother's calm nature without the inner rage that both his parents had.

Eric tried every trick in the book to wake up his son: shaking him, yelling, threatening his toys… at least his sister bothered with an answer, Billy just stayed there sleeping.

That did it. Cartman wouldn't have this shit! He had to go to work and his kids had to go to school… damn fucking Kenny for having a party on a Sunday.

To make matters worse, he found his wife sleeping over the kitchen counter. Just what he fucking needed a snoozing hippie. The thing is, he had a big meeting at his company today. Hell, he could even get a promotion. All he needed to do was get to his office early, do some blackmail on the other guy running for the promotion (he found pictures of him having an orgy with pigs and prostitutes) and he'd get the job! All his effort would go to waste if he didn't drop Wendy at work to do a dramatic chair turn blackmail. And he also refused to get out of the house without having his kids on their way to school

That's why he had no problem whatsoever with picking up a pot and a big spoon and banging them together next to his wife's head. It was time for The Wakeup Call

"Wake up, ho! Earth to slut!" He screamed as beat the pot

"AAAAAH!" She screamed, waking up and punching him in the nose "Damn it, Cartman!" She only used his last name when she was angry, never mind the fact it was her last name as well.

"Fuck, at least I'm not bleeding…" Cartman said, feeling his nose "Am I?"

She checked his nose for any damage.

"No. I must be going soft on you, honey" they both snickered "Are the kids awake?"

"Nope" Eric said simply "I tried everything and they're still sleeping. I came here so we could do the wakeup call"

"Are you sure, honey? The neighbors really hate it" Wendy said it

"Who cares about those fucking Jews? We need to wake up our kids, let's go…"

And so they went. The Wakeup Call was a very noisy last resort at the Cartman household. Year after year, Eric managed to wear down Wendy's hatred of weaponry a little more ever since they were 16, to the point where today she never leaves the house without her pink Beretta. Stan's uncle Jimbo even gave them a pair of Colt 1911 as wedding gifts. A black one written "Eric" in silver and one with a purple handguard written "Wendy" in purple on the slider.

Eventually, they ended up making a shooting gallery out of their basement. The one thing the gallery was missing was sound proofing. Something that, after the wakeup call came into order, the young couple decided was superfluous.

"Attention, Cartman children! Emergency wakeup call routine commencing shortly. You have ten seconds to show signs of consciousness" Wendy's voice echoed through the house's intercom. She then proceeded to count down from ten "9mm" Eric's voice then added

Gunfire and ricocheting echoed through the Cartman household

"Goddamn it!" was Emily's response to the noise. Billy just tried putting the pillow over his ears

"Wakey, wakey, bullets and bakey… enter the .45" They picked up different guns and louder noises came through roaring

Billy got out of bed and tried waking Emily himself, only to end up getting responses like "No, Billy, this is mah blanket!"

"You kids up yet? No? Good, your father wanted to try out his brand new 12 Gauge. Hit it, honey!" Wendy said way happier than she wish she did

"Okay, okay, we're awake, geez…" Billy said through the intercom.

"Shower and dress up. Breakfast in 20 minutes, kids" Wendy said

Upstairs, Billy and Emily were walking to the bathroom to get ready for the day.

"At least they didn't use the grenades this time" Emily said

About half an hour later, the Cartman's were getting out to their lives when they saw their neighbor, Kyle Broflowski, getting out in his pajamas with a face like crap

"Really? You guys really need to do this again? Wake up the entire neighborhood?"

"Fuck you, Jew, at least we have ideas to wake our kids" Eric said

"Yeah, screw you jew" Emily said, Eric looked at her with pride

"Emily, show your manners!" Wendy said

"Sorry, mehm"

"Say hi to Rebeca for me, Kyle…" She said to the jew

"Yeah…"

"By, kids, be safe!" Eric said as Emily went to one bus stop and Billy went to another. Little Ben Broflowski followed Emily to the bus

They got into the car and went away. Another day in South Park begins


End file.
